PERCY: Okay, let me see.
"Girl, I love..." No, no.
"Girl, I love your..." No, that ain't it, that ain't it.
"Girl, I love your style.
I love it when you get that smile.
You should be in a magazine because you're a queen.
Our love is everything."
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
REGGIE: Percy.
- Not right now. I'm busy. REGGIE: Percy, you got a girl in there?
Percy. Percy.
PERCY: What kind of question is that, "Got a woman in here?"
I didn't know. I heard you talking.
PERCY: I'm in here doing my vows. - Vow?
Yeah, man, for this ridiculous party, man, my wife is losing her mind over.
Reggie, this extravaganza is costing me a lot of money.
Now she wants us to renew our vows.
What's wrong with what I said the first time? What's wrong with "I do"?
- I did, didn't I? - You did.
- Women, boy. - I know. Women is a whole other...
Okay. But you know what, Mr. Jones?
It's cool that you're just doing the lyrics from that song.
- I wrote this on the way to work. - You wrote that?
- Yeah. - Was you listening to the radio...
...when you wrote it? It's B2K, Mr. Jones.
Okay, then. If this is to a song, tell me what the next line is.
Well, it's...
[SINGING] Baby, turn around And let me see that sexy body go
Bump, bump, bump
That's it, yeah.
Reggie.
[SINGING] See your sexy smile And bump, bump
REGGIE: Three bumps. - Three bumps.
[SINGING] See your sexy smile and bump
See your sexy smile and you...
FRED: Hey, boss, is Theresa bringing a new boyfriend to your anniversary party?
PERCY: Yep. FRED: Uh-oh.
PERCY: What? I'm fine with it.
FRED: So you've met him? PERCY: Nope.
Pulled his credit report.
FRED: You didn 't. PERCY: I sure as hell did.
[INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE]
PERCY: This young brother is a stockbroker for JP Oliver.
FRED: Theresa? I don 't believe it.
PERCY: Marilyn says she's crazy about him. And this boy's credit report?
I'm telling you, it's a thing of beauty. I almost cried.
- This guy sounds too good to be true. - Probably is.
But the brother has a job.
- That's right, my friend, a J-O-B. SIMON: But I quit.
- I quit. - Simon, calm down.
I'm just trying to explain to you how the world works.
- It's the clients. I'm just explaining... - None of my clients seem to care.
- This guy didn't seem to care, did he? - Come on. Don't be so sensitive.
It's not how the world works. It's how your world works.
Simon, sit down. Simon!
MAN: All right, I'm on it.
Jerk.
I don't need you, Nathan!
I don't need JP Oliver.
My résumé is good enough.
I can get a job anywhere that I want. I'm out of here.
[ALARM RINGING]
Oh, man. I'm not gonna freak out. I'm not gonna freak out.
Oh, what am I gonna tell Theresa? What am I gonna tell her?
"Baby, you know how you're always saying...
...I'm at the office too much? Well, great news!"
I'll meet my future father-in-law and tell him I'm unemployed. Great!
Okay, I'll get the next one.
SIMON: I can't quit my job!
[OVER CAMERA] I'm not gonna beg! MAN 1: Twenty bucks says he goes back.
MAN 2: I'll take some of that. SIMON: Oh, my God! I just quit my job.
I don 't need this job. No, no.
[LAUGHING]
Here he comes.
- Hi. - Have a good one.
- Hello. Liz, Simon Green here. - Simon. What's up?
SIMON: Every investment I've made in the last six months.
Listen, that job you offered me.
- Tell me it's still open. - Why? What happened?
SIMON: I'll tell you later. Can you talk to Bartlett for me?
LIZ: Are you kidding? I'm e-mailing him right now.
When he finds out you asked about this, he is gonna go nuts.
Thank you.
SIMON: Theresa? Baby?
THERESA: Hey.
You're home early.
SIMON: Yeah. - Really early.
- Got out of there quick. - Good. Come on, help me with these.
What do we got?
Tumi?
That's nice.
- When did we get this? - Got them today.
Combined income, huh?
Bling bling, baby!
Yeah, bling bling.
Baby...
THERESA: You should have heard Dad on the phone...
...when I told him that you work for JP Oliver.
I feel like he's more in love with you than I am.
- Really? - Yeah, you don't understand.
Ever since I can remember...
...his whole thing has been about, "Theresa, does that boy have a job?"
- It's a good thing I do, then, huh? - I know!
I'm so excited. Aren't you excited?
Theresa, a man is never excited about meeting his future father-in-law.
You know, I was thinking. Maybe we should postpone telling him.
- What? It was your idea. - I know.
I'm thinking now that maybe it was a bad idea.
No, I think it's a great idea.
Announcing our engagement at my parents' party...
...is gonna be the best present we can give them.
Babe, Mom's gonna flip.
Yeah, see, I'm not worried about your mom, I was thinking about...
About him.
THERESA: Oh. - Yeah.
See, he's about ready to pop a blood vessel...
...because you guys are losing a basketball game.
THERESA: No, no, no. We were winning that game.
Yeah.
We're bringing in a canopy here, swags of tulle with festoons...
...sprays of roses, parquet dance floor here, guests will be seated...
...at tables in Chiavari chairs. Very clean, very simple, very elegant.
And rose petals on the lawn, and not just a few.
Oodles. At my wedding, we had oodles of petals, it was fabulous.
At that wedding, was a woman involved?
Of course. If she's not a woman, it's gonna be a surprise to both of us.
- Hello! - Look...
I'll tell you, this is gonna be some party, Mr. Jones.
- Twenty-five years of marriage. - Thank you.
- More power to you, pal. - Thank you.
MARILYN: Hey. - Hey, baby.
MARILYN: Sorry I'm late. My vice principal called in sick today...
...so it was just me against 208 middle-schoolers.
I swear half of them ate pure sugar for breakfast.
Hi, Dante.
So, Percy, which one do you like best?
- I like that... - Is your name Percy?
- Which cost the most? - They cost the same.
- They don't. - This is from Saks...
...this one's from Macy's. - Saks.
Thank you. Now I can give an honest opinion.
- I'm digging that one, baby. - Really?
Oh.
Well, that's too bad, because I'm wearing this one.
DANTE: Hallelujah.
PERCY: Sweetheart. MARILYN: Yeah?
PERCY: Listen. - Uh-huh.
Marilyn, why you even bother asking me?
Because it's a big day for us and I wanted you to feel included.
Why couldn't you include me without the super freak out there?
Dante is a nice man.
A nice man.
A nice man that part of the time likes to sleep with other nice men.
Stop it. Would you open your mind, Percy Jones? Dante is a metrosexual.
- A what? - He's a straight man with taste.
Ain't no such thing. Might as well tell me he rode over on a unicorn.
Look, serious face, serious moment. I need to talk to you.
I know. I'm working on my vows. I almost got them perfect.
- Oh, that's sweet. But that's not it. - What is it?
- This boy that Theresa's bringing home... - Mm-hm.
MARILYN: I don't know who his people are...
...I don't know where he's from, I don't know anything about him.
But what I do know, Percy, is that...
...I need you to be nice. - I'm always nice.
Well, let's be nice long enough to find out who the boy is.
I already know who he is.
- You pulled his credit report? PERCY: I did not.
You pulled his credit report, Percy?
I mean, I glanced at it, yeah.
But a credit report don't tell the character of a man.
But being a loan officer for 22 years, I can size that boy up in an instant.
And you know I got a knack for it. You know that.
Five seconds. That's all I need.
That's all I need.
- Nobody knows that better than me. - Say what?
I didn't stutter.
SIMON: I'm not so good with dads, baby.
I'm good with moms. I'm better with moms.
He's a big guy, right?
Scary big. He also has these piercing eyes that just burn right into your soul.
Just don't maintain eye contact for a long time, at least today, okay?
Babe, I'm kidding.
Just relax. It's gonna be fun. Okay?
- Did you tell them? - What? Tell them what?
- Babe, don't... The... - What?
- Did you...? - Cute, clean-shaven, what?
Pigment-challenged. Did you tell them I'm white?
You're white?
You're white? Stop the car!
[TIRES SCREECHING]
SIMON: Ow! - Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Look at what you...
Oh, my God! Simon, I'm so sorry.
- It was a joke, sir, I was kidding. - Yeah, sister, you funny.
THERESA: Simon, Simon, are you okay?
- Who are you? - Are you serious?
Why am I in Jersey?
Simon.
Stop.
- Don't worry, it's gonna be great, okay? - All right.
I'm very sorry. I'm sorry. It was a bad joke.
- So did you tell them? - No.
I only told them the important things, okay?
That I love you, that you're an amazing man...
...that you have a very cute birthmark on your left butt cheek.
You just didn't feel the need to mention that it's a Caucasian butt cheek.
Simon, look. I didn't mention it, because I don't think it's gonna matter.
Oh, it's gonna matter. It's gonna matter.
We're fine, sir.
[HORN HONKING]
Dad!
PERCY: Look at this here. Oh, my God. Give your daddy a hug.
THERESA: How are you? Mom!
PERCY: Hey, my man. Percy Jones, baby. - Oh, pleasure to meet you.
PERCY: Man, look at this here. Man, I like this man. Nice solid, strong grip.
Wow. Man, that's something else.
Listen, you doing everything you can to make my daughter happy?
THERESA: Oh, no, Dad... PERCY: Hey, hey, hey, sweetheart.
- You can take that to the door for me. THERESA: No, you see, this...
Don't interrupt, sweetheart. I'm giving your friend a once-over here.
Sir, don't stand like a statue. Take it to the front door.
It's a square with a hole. Look inside, you'll see furniture. Thank you.
- Yes, sir. - Are you doing everything...
...to make my daughter happy? - I'm not sure if I am...
...but I'd sure like a crack at it. - Boy, I ought... Man, I like him.
SIMON: Listen, l... PERCY: Hey, young man...
...don't worry about it, relax. What I figured, what, $30?
- Dad, Dad... PERCY: Get yourself some candy...
This is Simon.
Simon.
- That's her boyfriend's name. - That's right.
- Well, who are you? - Wesley Thompson, that's my cab.
But if you still down with me making your girl happy...
...I'm good to go.
PERCY: Why don't you just go. - Just...
Wow. I wish Theresa would have told me you guys were black.
That would've saved an awkward moment.
MARILYN: Kind of like this one.
Yeah.
MARILYN: Welcome home, sweetheart. THERESA: Thanks, Mom.
- Baby, let me get that. MARILYN: Got it.
PERCY: Marilyn... - Lemonade.
Damn.
Look, ain't no need us standing out here. Why don't we go inside and talk, okay?
Come on, we're going inside with the quickness.
Ain't no use, us standing out here. Let's go. Come on.
That boy's white.
Well, nothing gets past you.
I guess it's those 22 years as a loan officer.
- You knew about this, didn't you? - I didn't know. I promise.
But I did figure it out after the second "Daddy."
Why she just didn't say nothing? Give us a warning, you know?
Look. We taught our girls to see only people, not color.
- I know that, but... - So, what's the problem?
I guess the problem is she just didn't tell us.
Here it is, I'm expecting Denzel Washington to come...
...I get Whitey McWhiteman instead.
THERESA: Hi, you guys. BOTH: Hi.
Just showing Simon the house.
You have a very beautiful home, Mrs. Jones.
Thank you, Simon. You can call me Marilyn.
Will do. You too, Mr. Jones.
Thank you. You can call me Mr. Jones.
I'm just kidding.
[LAUGHING]
- You got me. That was funny. MARILYN: Making lemonade.
- You want to sit down? - Yes, thank you.
- Sit down, baby. - Great.
So, Simon, they tell me you work at JP Oliver, huh?
Yes, sir.
You like it there? You've been there long?
SIMON: Well, it's a couple of years.
Moving up?
There has been some recent movement, yes.
- You're a hard worker? THERESA: The hardest.
- JP Oliver has this IPO coming... - He doesn't want to hear it.
- But he's asking you about your work. - I know, but you go into details...
He likes to be modest. Shut up.
Anyway, they made Simon their IPO... What is it, point man?
They're flying him to San Francisco on Monday.
I'm not gonna see him for three days.
- So, Simon, what do your parents do? PERCY: Yeah.
- My mother is a realtor. THERESA: Let me help you.
And she sells mini blinds and teaches dance.
Damn, how many jobs your mama got?
She's a single parent. She's always been a hard worker.
What happened to your father?
He left when I was 2, and I haven't seen much of him since.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- It happens. - Simon, you play any sports?
Uh...
I played some foosball in college.
- That's the table with the soccer guys... - I know what foosball is.
- It's a stupid joke. PERCY: It's not a sport.
Oh, Dad, stop badgering him.
I'm not badgering the man, I'm just taking an interest, you know?
I don't understand why you don't play sports. It don't make sense.
A man who don't play sports is not a real man.
- I used to run a little. - What, like track?
I mean, you don't look like a sprinter. What do you run, steeplechase?
THERESA: Dad. - Come on, man. What was your race?
- Cars. - Cars?
- NASCAR. - NASCAR.
That was the one.
I had some hopes and some dreams.
It all ended one hot August day in a speedway in Charlotte.
It was a crash.
They said I should've been killed. Actually, I got out without a scratch.
- And I figured that was a sign. - NASCAR.
Mostly I just worked in the pit. I mean, I test-drove for one of the drivers some.
What was his name?
- The dri...? - Yeah.
- Jay Gordon. - You drove for Jeff Gordon?
We call him J or J.G. It was like a pet name.
Pit name, actually, huh?
THERESA: NASCAR?
I believe I said I don't like to talk about that time of my life.
NASCAR.
What was I supposed to do? He was staring at me...
...with those piercing eyes.
- He was not. - Filled with piercing disappointment...
...because I don't play sports.
"A man who don't play sports isn't really a man, now, is he?"
I had to give him something. He's big.
He's, like, big. You said he was big, but he's "big" big.
But why did you lie about NASCAR? My father loves NASCAR.
It's NASCAR. Baby, that's, like, the whitest sport on the planet.
- Not anymore, Simon. - Baby, there's, like, NASCAR...
...and hockey. Hockey. I should have went with hockey.
Babe, don't worry. He'll forget about it. He's like this with everyone.
It always takes him some time to warm up to new people.
What are we talking about here?
By Sunday you'll be a part of this family.
I can tell he really likes you.
I don't like him.
And I really don't think the whole racial thing matters to him.
- It's not that he's white. - It's not?
SIMON: Is this yours or mine?
That's mine, and it's for later.
No, I think it's for now. If memory serves me right...
...I think it's mine. - No, Simon.
No, Simon. Simon, take it off.
- Take it off now. - It's perfect on me.
THERESA: What are you doing? - Look at it, red is my color.
It always has been. Look at it.
- Oh, my goodness. - Simon, take it off!
- But it fits me so perfect. - Look, you're stretching it!
- Take it off right now. - It's nice, you take it off.
- I am not joking. - You want some of this?
- Stop it. Simon, Simon, take it off. - You take it off.
PERCY: Coming in.
THERESA: Mom!
- I'm gonna tell her right now. - Go on and tell.
- Mom! MARILYN: What?
- He's taking Simon to a hotel. - I'm paying for it. What's the problem?
- Can I speak to you? PERCY: You sure can.
- Why are you taking him to a hotel? - You didn't see what they were doing.
- Mom, we were just playing. - Okay.
Yeah, well, playtime is over.
Mr. Jones, I'm not a cross-dresser.
- Just for the record. - A cross-dresser?
No, no, it's... What are you...? It's lingerie.
- You shouldn't even be having it. - I'm a grown woman, Percy.
It is not covering up the grown parts, Theresa.
But why does the young man have to go to a hotel?
- This is my house, my rules. - Your rules?
This house can't handle no more testosterone.
We cannot exceed the testosterone level.
We gotta keep it like that till the girls get married, maybe even beyond that.
And I'm not suggesting anyone get married.
- But why can't he stay in the basement? PERCY: Because that's my room!
- That's my stuff down there. THERESA: How selfish of you.
It got mold anyway. It could be black mold.
I wouldn't want to put him at risk.
- Do you know how ridiculous you sound? - What are you talking about?
SIMON: No, it's okay. - No, it's not okay.
- What are you talking about? - This is your father's house.
We're gonna play by his rules.
Now, he's obviously set a testosterone standard, and I'm going to abide by that.
You falling for that? I'm going with you.
You're not gonna do that.
You don't want me to go with you to the hotel?
Of course I want you to come.
- But what? - You need to stay here.
PERCY: Hello? - Shh!
- You need to stay. - I wanna be with you.
PERCY: We're still here. Are you two gonna be done soon?
- Maybe we should have a seat. - Shh.
- Come on, honey, let's sit... - Shh.
You need to help your mom with the party arrangements.
We don't want to stress them out, do we?
THERESA: No. - All right?
- We're all set. PERCY: I'm glad you all decided.
Come on, let's go.
- Come on. Get your stuff. Let's go. - All right.
KEISHA: Where is he? Where is he? Girl!
- Oh, my God. Are we being audited? MARILYN: No, no. Keisha.
No, no. This is Simon. This is Theresa's boyfriend. This is Keisha, her little sister.
SIMON: Nice to meet you. - Oh, yes! Nice to meet you too.
Good. Take this to the car. I'll meet you out there.
- Dad, Dad, Dad. - What?
- Theresa's boyfriend is white. - I know.
I know you know. I just wanted to see your face when you heard it again.
Not now.
MARILYN: Don't forget our dinner reservations.
PERCY: We'll meet you over there.
["BROTHER LOUIE" BY STORIES PLAYING ON RADIO]
MAN [SINGING]: She was black as the night
Louie was whiter than white
Danger...
["WALK ON THE WILD SIDE" BY LOU REED PLAYS ON RADIO]
REED [SINGING]: Take a walk on the wild side
And the colored girls go:
Looks like rain.
Nope.
I don't know, those clouds look threatening.
I live here. I know the weather.
So Theresa tells me you're in charge of the loan department at the bank.
Must be a pretty rewarding job, huh?
[MOUTHING] Wow.
I'm thinking about making a switch to a smaller company.
I just think there's less political garbage.
You think I don't deal with political garbage?
I got political garbage coming out my ass.
If I give a guy a loan, I'm married to him for 30 years. If I deny him...
...I have to do deal with him in church.
- I know that feeling. - Don't try to act like our jobs are alike.
Good thing it isn't raining.
That's not rain, it's sprinkling.
You might wanna turn on the windshield wipers.
PERCY: I will once it starts raining.
Come on, you two, let's go.
I don't want to be late. Keisha!
KEISHA: Coming! Why you always knock on my door first?
Because you still live here.
Let's go. It's raining. I don't want to be late.
[SINGING]
Come on.
Okay, tell me, what's it like?
- What's what like? - Being with a white guy.
- Come on, Keisha. What's the sex like? - Yeah.
- Where's Mom? - She's downstairs, girl.
Come on! Bring it. Bring it.
Okay. You know that thing they say about the size?
- Yeah. - Completely the opposite.
- Really? - They're huge.
And not only are their penises big, but they can sing.
When they get excited, they sing.
They know a million tunes. They're like big iPods.
Oh, cut it out. Cut it out. Stop it.
Keisha, seriously. Is he nice?
- Yeah. He's cute too. - Oh, I know.
KEISHA: Mm-hm.
- What about Mom and Dad? - Mom is cool with it.
I mean, Dad, he seems, you know, a little bit on edge.
But, I mean, not more than usual.
MARILYN: Girls! BOTH: Coming!
But can I just say, I love you so much right now.
- Why? - Because from now on...
...no matter what I do, if I crash Dad's car or if I...
- Baby, what's wrong? - Lf I rob a bank...
...if I burn this house down... - Oh, Keisha.
...I won't be the one who brought home the white boy.
[THUNDER CRASHES]
Thank you.
Mom!
MAN: Can I help you with your bag, sir? SIMON: I'm okay. I got it.
PERCY: You don't trust a workingman with your bag?
- No, it's just one bag. - What you think, he's gonna...
...rifle through your luggage and steal your toothbrush and fancy conditioner?
- No, that's not it. - Let me tell you something, young man.
Theresa's grandfather was a bellman for over 60 years. He never stole nothing.
- Could you get my bag? - What, he your slave now?
- No. - Did you want me to take your bag, sir?
I don't know.
WOMAN: Next, please. MAN: Okay.
Hi. Reservation for Percy Jones.
- And that's Jones with a J? - No, Jones with a P.
I made a reservation last week.
[WHISTLING]
You knew you were gonna kick me out a week ago?
Son, I knew I was gonna kick you out 24 years ago...
...when the doctor announced it was a girl.
WOMAN: Here you are. - Good.
- We gave your room away. - What?
Check-in was at 4.
But it's Thursday night. I'm sure you got another room available.
I'm sorry, we're completely booked. And so is everyone else.
There's a Shriners convention in town, actually.
May I help you with anything else, Mr. Pjones?
Well, guess I'll have to stay at your house, then.
No, there's a crack hotel downtown. You'll be just fine, come on.
WOMAN: Next.
Hi. Welcome to Cranford.
SIMON: I don't know what your basement's like...
PERCY: You wouldn't like it, it's damp. You'd hate it.
I don't think dampness is really an issue at this point.
You can't think of anything but getting under the same roof with my daughter.
Mr. Jones...
...I'm in your house, so I'll obey your rules.
Yeah, right. You obey Mr. Jones now.
But when you wake up at 3:00 in the morning horny...
...you'll be obeying Mr. Johnson. - You heard. There's no hotel rooms.
I'm not gonna do anything, I swear.
Put your stuff in there, come on.
Dinner is in 10 minutes. I don't know what Marilyn is like about schedules...
...but I know Theresa.
Stay out of that storm.
All right.
You can stay in my basement. But you remember one thing:
These eyes, they see everything.
Now get in the car. Come on, let's go.
["EBONY AND IVORY" PLAYS ON RADIO]
MEN [SINGING]: Ebony, ivory, living in perfect harmony
MAN: Ivory
MEN: Ebony, ivory, Living in perfect harmony
KEISHA: So how long have you two been together?
- Five months. - Six months.
PERCY: Which one is it?
Well, see, Theresa counts from the first day that we met...
...and I count from the first...
[CLEARS THROAT]
- How's the chicken here? THERESA: It's really good.
Did I tell you girls that for the first dance...
...your father and I are going to do the tango.
- The tango? - You and Dad?
Your father and I used to dance all the time when we were younger.
Sweetheart, I told you, we're not doing the tango.
We're already saying our vows. That's enough.
We're doing the tango.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Sorry, forgot to turn it off.
You know what, this is an important call.
No, you can take your call right here. Sit down and take your call.
It's a business call. It's boring stuff.
Business is not boring. Simon, sit down and take your call. Sit down.
Okay.
- Hello? LIZ: Simon?
Yeah, this is Simon.
Sorry I didn 't get back to you earlier.
I hope Theresa makes money as a photographer.
There's a rumor that you're being investigated...
...by the Securities and Exchange Commission.
[LAUGHS]
That is so Nathan to do something like that.
Yeah, I think it's Nathan too. This is the last thing he wants to see...
...is his best employee going to another firm.
Well, you know, I'm always up for a new challenge.
Are you listening to me?
- You've been blackballed. - Great!
Whoa, guy, listen, it's not my fault. I'm just telling you what they told me.
I'll call you next week. All right.
Did Nathan put you up for another award?
Nothing. It's embarrassing.
Hello. May I start you off with some drinks?
Vodka tonic.
Celebrating a great phone call.
Okay, bring him his liquor and bring the rest of us our usual.
They'll have iced tea, I'll have my lemonade.
Actually, I think I'm gonna have a glass of Pinot Grigio.
- And I'll have a Cosmo. - Me too.
Okay, bring them their alcohol, and I'll have my usual lemonade.
Someone has to act responsibly around here.
So, Simon, I hear that you're a singer.
What are you, a soprano, an alto or...?
No, maybe bass.
- Don't really sing. - How long can you hold a note?
- He can hold a note. KEISHA: Really?
- For a very long time. - Sing something for me, baby.
[COUGHS]
You okay? Drink some water.
SIMON: Jerry. Nathan's got my ankles to my earlobes right now, man.
I'm gonna need... Sorry. I'm gonna need some cash.
All right. Call me back as soon as you get this. I need a favor, okay?
You gotta be kidding me.
"Let me see your sexy body"?
I knew you'd be down here sooner or later.
Did you bring some more of that sexy lingerie for me to try?
What is wrong with you, boy? Don't you have your own underwear?
- You like my space? - Yeah, it's very homey.
- Interesting odor. - Well, I told you I had mold.
Did you come down here for this? Having trouble writing your vows, huh?
That's none of your damn business.
Look, I'm just saying, I could maybe help you come up with something romantic.
Don't start thinking that you know more about romance than I do.
With your handholding and feeding each other and wiping off each other's faces.
That's bullshit.
Being married 25 years, that's real romance.
And believe me, it's a war.
Brutal. Exhausting.
Well, sounds like someone just finished their vows.
- You ready for lights out? - It looks that way.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Thank you. - You're welcome.
- What are you doing? - Getting ready to go to sleep.
- Here? - Right here, right here.
- Don't you have a bed upstairs? - I sure do.
So does Theresa.
By me sleeping here assures me that she'll get a good night's sleep...
...all alone. Now, good night.
Sorry.
What are you doing under there?
It's just a pillow. I think we might need a barrier.
A barrier for what?
I tend to move around a lot in my sleep.
How do you know if you're asleep?
Theresa mentioned it once that...
I mentioned it to her after someone else told me...
...that wasn't Theresa.
Okay, we can talk about this, right?
- Theresa and I have... - You can't talk about that.
...a healthy relationship. - Stop!
- We can't talk? - I don't wanna hear you talking about...
...sleeping with my daughter. You're sleeping with me now. Now, good night.
[SNORING]
Oh.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
You're up early.
Or late, depending on how you look at it.
- Coffee? - Yes. Bless you.
I don't know how you sleep with that man.
- Did he get in your space? - A little bit.
Did he spoon you?
Well, it was more of a wedge maneuver.
Yeah, big man likes to cuddle in his sleep.
I just wish he was a little bit more cuddly when he was awake.
You know, Simon, when my father first met Percy Jones...
...he could not stand him.
- Really? - Mm-hm.
But eventually they got along, right?
No.
KEISHA: Good morning.
THERESA: Good morning. - Hey, good morning, baby.
- I missed you. KEISHA: Hey, Mama.
SIMON: I missed you. THERESA: Did you sleep well?
SIMON: Yeah.
Who's going with me to get some flowers?
- I'll go. - Me too.
If we go early. I have to work this afternoon.
Okay.
[SINGING]
MARILYN: Hey. PERCY: Good morning.
You're looking awfully chipper this morning.
Something about knowing your daughter not being violated relaxes a man.
I thought that mattress hurts your back.
No, not me.
I could sleep on that mattress every night.
Every single night.
[PERCY WHISTLING]
[GROANING]
Oh, uh...
[MOANING]
REGGIE: Good morning, boss. Got you some coffee.
- So, what's the verdict? - What you talking about?
REGGIE: Theresa's new boyfriend.
What is it, is he a painter, poet? Did he ask you to borrow money?
My daughter got great taste in men.
And that new guy, he's really something.
Tell me a little bit about the brother. Give me.
Yeah. Oh, man, thank you.
I'll tell you about the brother. He's a big guy, nice-looking.
- What's his name? - Jamal.
- Graduated Howard University. - Howard?
Yep. Played basketball.
He almost went pro, until he changed his career to medicine.
Was a big write-up on him in Jet about four years ago.
- No shit. - Mm-hm.
Parents from Atlanta, friends with Mr. King, Dr. Cosby, Reverend Jackson.
- Come on, now. - Go down towards the middle.
- Go down? - Yeah.
Sit up a little bit.
- That's it? - Oh, man, yeah. Yeah.
I'm telling you, Reggie, I'm the luckiest man in Jersey.
My daughter's dating the great black hope.
- Man. - Oh, you got it.
- That's it. I'm gonna hold it there. - Hold it.
I don't think I need to move.
[SINGING]
FRED: Excuse me, boss? - Huh?
Simon Green here to see you.
Cut that off, Reggie. Cut it off. Go on, take it out.
Come on, come on, Reggie, get on the ball around...
I'll be right there.
I'll be right out, man. Give me...
REGGIE: Fred, who is Simon? FRED: Friend of Theresa's, he says.
REGGIE: Oh, shit, he better hope Jamal don't find out.
- Be right with you, sir. - Oh, great.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
SIMON [ON PHONE]: Jerry? - Simon.
- Hey. - Simon, what's up?
Listen, I need you to get me into that nanotech IPO. I want 10 blocks.
JERRY: Ha! That's 50 grand.
Did you inherit a boatload or something?
The initial public offering comes out Tuesday. What do you expect me to do?
Look, I know when it comes out, Gerald. I set the damn date, okay?
Just buy it for me on margin.
Dude, you know what? You don't work here anymore.
Jerry, I need this IPO to hold me over until I get another job.
Simon, I know you're really screwed right now...
...but do you even have 50 grand?
I'm gonna sell off my IRAs, okay? I'll have it... I'll have it in 10 days.
I can't do margin. I need cash.
I'm in Jersey right now. Where am I gonna get cash?
Oh, I'm sure one of those chemical plants has an A TM.
All right. I'll get the cash. Just put in the order.
Cash by Tuesday.
I'll bring it to you personally on Monday.
Don 't punk out on me.
- Hey. - Hey, what you doing here?
I feel like we didn't get off on the right foot yesterday.
So I thought maybe I'd come in, take you out to lunch.
Maybe we could bond a little.
We bonded just fine around 3: 10 this morning. Your knee was in my crotch.
SIMON: Right, right.
I'll buy.
- You wanna buy me lunch? - Yeah.
You know, I figured it's the proper thing to do after sleeping with each other.
Okay.
SIMON: So, nice bank.
- I'm glad you like it. - Yeah.
You know, I like the small-town feel.
It's less complicated. Somebody needs money, they just come in and say:
"Percy, I need a loan." Right?
And then, of course, you say, "What? Yeah. How much?"
They say, "I don't know, you tell me."
"Fifty thousand dollars?"
What, you need $50,000?
- Do I need $50,000? - Yeah.
No.
Most assuredly do not.
I was just admiring the process.
How many cylinders does a NASCAR engine have, six or eight?
- How...? - Yeah.
Six. Or eight, de...
Depending on the gas mileage consumption of the automobile.
You never worked in the pit at NASCAR, you might as well admit it.
All right. You know, all right. Fine.
L... I never really had an aptitude for engines.
Jay... Jeff... Jeff Gordon...
...didn't really trust me in the pit that much.
But you did drive the cars.
- Drive them? - Yeah.
Absolutely.
Good.
All right. Fine, okay? I never drove NASCAR.
But I was nervous, and I wanted to impress you.
Well, you shouldn't have lied.
All right, here's the deal. We go one lap around.
If you beat me, I'll loan you the money.
Really?
I knew it! I knew you needed the money.
I don't need the money.
[ENGINES REVVING]
Move over!
Whoa!
[GRUNTS]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, fool!
Oh!
[SIMON CACKLING]
SIMON: Sucker!
[LAUGHING]
[SCREAMING]
[SCREAMS]
Move it, man!
What the hell are you doing?
Well, I think it's obvious who came in first.
You're doggone right, you know I won.
I was through the bushes and on asphalt...
I came through the bushes first.
- I had more speed. - It's obvious.
I was through, hitting asphalt...
...before you even were at the bushes. - Look, look.
License and registration.
THERESA: Poppy. HOWARD: There's my beautiful girl.
Hi. Simon, I want you to meet my granddad.
- Howdy, Howard Jones. - Hi. Simon Green.
- Good to meet you, sir. - Nice to meet you.
- Hey, Speed Racer. - Hey, hey, hey.
HOWARD: What's with the white kid? - That's Simon. He's my boyfriend.
HOWARD: Your boyfriend? - Yep.
- You ain't tell me he was white. - I did.
- When? - Back at the home.
- I thought you was kidding. MARILYN: Okay, well, I think that's it.
Think you're forgetting about the vodka.
MARILYN: Say grace, Percy.
Thank you, Lord. Amen.
- That was fast. - The Lord knows I'm busy.
- Simon, pass me the broccoli, please. - Yes, sir.
HOWARD: So they don't have any available black men in New York anymore?
Well, they just ran out last week, Grandpa.
Well, I'm just trying to figure out why you chose to go this way.
THERESA: Don't mind him. SIMON: It's okay, it's okay.
My grandmother loved you when she first met you...
...but later she said some things. I was like, "What? Grandma."
- What kind of things? - Yeah, what kind of things?
Like, nothing. Just things.
- Such as? - Yeah, such as?
- Daddy, I got it. - I know.
You know what? You're gonna laugh when you hear this. She said...
...that Theresa was a very pretty girl.
KEISHA: That's so nice.
So then... So I asked her what she liked about you the most, right?
She said... She says, "I just love her cute little nappy little head."
- Your grandmother, where's she live? - Brooklyn. Why?
I just want to know how far I'd have to travel to kick her white ass, that's why.
Don't call my grandchild no nappy head.
When she said that, was she putting on her sheet for the Klan rally?
Settle down, now. Hand me the butter.
SIMON: My grandmother is not a malicious woman.
- No, she's not. - She's 82.
She just comes from a different time.
I'm 74, I come from a different time.
You don't hear me call white folks "honky" and "flat ass."
- Casper. - Cracker.
PERCY: Ofay. HOWARD: Peckerwood.
- Wonder Bread. - Bird shit.
- Bird shit? - Well, it's almost white.
[LAUGHING]
- That's good. MARILYN: Howard. Percy.
PERCY: That choked you up, didn't it? - Percy!
It's okay. Look, I'm really sorry about what my grandmother said.
But there's some people that you're just never gonna change...
...as much as you'd like to. THERESA: Yep.
I can tell you this. Last Thanksgiving...
...my Uncle Dave said a black joke at the table, right?
So I said, right in front of the whole family:
"Look, that's inappropriate, we're not gonna have it."
And...
I think that's what you gotta do.
To change people, you just gotta attack it one at a time.
- Exactly. - What was the joke?
Excuse me?
Tell the joke.
- I don't remember it. - Sure you do. Tell the joke.
Really, I don't... I don't remember it, it was...
- Dad. - Chicken.
- Excuse me? - I didn't stutter.
Okay. Okay. You know what? I'll tell the joke.
- No, Simon, you don't... Baby. - No, baby. It's okay.
It's... I'll tell you why.
Because by not telling the joke, I'm empowering it, right?
- So I'll just tell the joke... THERESA: Exactly.
...and expose how simple-minded and crude...
...and unfunny it actually is.
What do you call...?
What do you call a hundred black men...
...buried in the ground up to their neck?
- What? - Afro Turf.
That's cute.
- What you laughing at? - It's cute.
Cute don't make it funny. Tell another one.
- Dad, no, that's... - Let the man tell a joke.
I don't know any other ones.
Okay. Well, obviously, I've heard other black jokes...
...but I think I've proven my point.
PERCY: So it's okay to empower the other ones?
Okay, I see what you're doing. You're putting me on the spot.
- No. SIMON: It's okay. Look, it's fine.
- I'm not gonna back down. - Back down, Simon.
The only way to break down barriers...
...is to have everything out in the open, right?
- Right? THERESA: Exactly.
So, what do you call...
...one black man being chased by 300 white men?
What?
The PGA Tour.
KEISHA: I get it. - Right, Tiger Woods. There it is.
- That's good. - That's cute.
Tell another one.